Friday, October 9, 2009

My seven reasons not to buy a book

I like to think of myself as a bit of a snob when it comes to books. There are some things I just wouldn't touch with a ten-foot barge pole, and neither should you. Here are my criteria for book rejection in no particular order:

1. Chick-lit: a so-called “bestseller” that thinly veils the writer’s previous job working for Mills and Boon. Yes, we know that sex and romance sells. It sells to vacuous people who don’t have enough sex and romance in their real lives and try to compensate for it by living vicariously through a character in a book. They usually have some kind of depiction of a half-naked woman, alcohol or both on the cover. Usually leaves you feeling like Paris Hilton after you have read a few chapters.

2. Espionage novels / thrillers: this is stuff for guys who have little or no imagination. The novel will usually have a letter of the Greek alphabet and some hard-ass noun at the end, like The Delta Conspiracy, or the Gamma Project. Usually the title is the best part of the book. There may be a hammer and sickle on the front cover, too.

3. Pop fiction: These are books that small-minded people read because they are gullible enough to believe that these books hold some kind of key to enlightenment just because everyone else is reading them. Go and live in a Buddhist retreat if you’re looking for enlightenment, because you’re sure as hell not going to find it by reading the Da Vinci Code.

4. Celeb autobiographies:
there are way too many of these shitty excuses for books out there. Usually written by a ghostwriter, plastic celebrities and their plastic boobies have jumped onto the gravy train and are selling their pitiful life stories for a buck. For example, British glamour model Jordan, aka Katie Price, is releasing her FOURTH autobiography in just FIVE years. *Snore* If you haven’t won a Nobel Prize and are under the age of 70, just don’t write it. Nobody cares.

5. Self-help and diet books: I harbour a particular kind of loathing for these books, their authors and the people who read them. There should be a special section of Hell reserved for people who write things like this – people who chew up old ideas and theories, regurgitate them and pass them off as a new fad. Add to that a murky pool of idiotic people who think books like “The Secret” holds the keys to all life’s mysteries and we have a microcosm of stupidity churning away, infecting people I previously thought were intelligent.

6. Religious books: no matter what the religion, the authors of this kind of books have obviously never been to university or even heard the word “thesis”. But then, objective, unbiased and unopinionated writing is never high up there on their list of priorities.

7. Teen reads: anything geared towards the teen market is enough to make me vomit until my intestines come out. What the hell is the fascination with bloody vampires already? Grow up and cut your hair properly.


  1. Shit man I am never sending my book to you, you'll make a big boy like me cry like a teenage boy at his high school dance.

  2. Ah, but you have real talent, so I can promise you I will never make you cry. However, leave Dan Brown alone with me for a night and he will come out a eunuch.